Sarah Keeler

It’s a tough time out there for public criers.

Gone are the days of collapsing in a heap of sobs at the half-price sushi place or silently weeping in the back row of the theater during your fifth viewing of Little Women. It’s a time for social distancing and keeping ourselves–and our tears–at home.

If there’s one silver lining to forcing the globe’s exhibitionist blubberers into solitude, it’s this: a return to the essentials. To simplicity. To the cradle of your tears. You might be a Vice President of Public Crying now but now is the time to hearken back to your humble beginnings as a lowly intern of tearfulness, honing your howls in the privacy of your own home.

Remember the simpler times, when all your crying needs could be filled by locking yourself in your bedroom and marinating in a puddle of your own tears?

In case you need it, here’s a reminder of some of the best places to weep while you ride out quarantine. A bonus? Crying openly is a sure fire way to ensure every other human being maintains their distance from you, too.

5. The Shower

Clichéd? Maybe. But look, the classics are classics for a reason. A perennial favorite for recreational and semi-professional criers, a steaming hot shower doesn’t just play host to your weeping; it weeps with you. Shed your tears and cleanse them in one pleasantly damp go.

A solid shower cry sesh is just what the doctor ordered after your weekly trip to the grocery store (quite literally, you really need to shower after you visit those virus-marts, you walking petri dish). Strip off your clothes in your entry way and streak to the shower while your roommate follows with a can of hoarded Lysol, spraying everything in your wake.

If you’re new to shower crying, start with the basics: standing under the spray with your eyes closed and your chest heaving with sobs.

More advanced criers may want to try the following variations on the classic:

The Seated Sorkin – Climb on in and take a seat. Just make sure to wait a couple of minutes for the hot water to warm the tub floor. No one wants a cold ass while they cry. (Pro Tip: Try a Reversed Seated Sorkin for a bonus aquatic back massage.)
The Soggy Savasanah – Take a supine pose and let hot bullets of water rain down on your emotional dysregulation.
The Praying Pisa – Place one forearm on the shower wall. Lean your forehead against it, close your eyes and recall the days when you were allowed to touch elbows with other humans instead of just cold walls of tile.

4. Over the Sink

Sink crying is a favorite for moms but you don’t have to be a parent to reap its benefits. Like its more popular cousin the Shower Cry, a sink cry involves running water which doubles beautifully as both soothing soundtrack and mournful moan muffler.

Save time while squeezing a sink cry into your evening dish washing routine, or spice things up by eating peanut butter fudge ice cream straight out of the carton with a fork because all your spoons are dirty and you’re sick of being a person and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is going to die one day while you stand over the sink and cry.

Don’t listen to anyone who says “This isn’t healthy” or “Why not call your therapist instead?” Live your truth. I believe in you.

3. On your yoga mat while an abandoned exercise video plays in the background

Practice self-care by unrolling that yoga mat, tuning into that restorative flow class that influencer you hate follow is hosting on IG TV and crying your little corona traumatized heart out. You can always modify by taking child’s pose and banging your head onto the floor repeatedly.

2. Against your front door

Seeing an upsurge since mandatory quarantines went into effect last month, leaning against the front door while mourning the loss of your freedom comes with surprising perks.

You’ll be able to hear when the UPS guy arrives with your delivery of assorted late night e-tail therapy impulse buys. This buys you a few more moments to try to engage Brian in an emotionally poignant conversation through your key hole in your desperation to speak to an adult through something other than the cold black mirror you’re tied to 24/7.

If others share your house, a front door cry is ideal for added privacy, too. No one’s likely to walk in on you because no one’s allowed to pass through that door anytime soon!

And, the top spot for crying in the privacy of your own home. . .

1. Under your covers

Wet the bed, but in a tearful way.

The most obvious spots are often the most underrated. You’ve been crying in bed with your Bed Bath & Beyond comforter pulled up over your face since adolescence and chances are good you’ve nailed it. Bed weepers, this is our time to shine!

Throw your hair into a messy bun (preferred hairstyle of crying enthusiasts everywhere), breathe in the scent of linens you should definitely be washing more often than you are and take refuge in a cave of your own despair.

Wherever you are right now at this very moment

Sure, we all want to maximize the effectiveness of our breakdowns, especially during these trying times. Just don’t lose sight of what matters.

Crying. Alone.

Together. At a safe social distance.

As long as you’re staying home, you’re doing it right.

Hang in there, public criers. Our time is coming–and we’ll be ready when it does.